I look in the mirror and see, not only my eyes looking back at me, but the sudden despise. How do these feelings erupt and ruin a mood? I got up today and stared at myself in the mirror for almost 20 minutes, trying to remember who i was and what I wanted in life. Trying to untangle the intricate webs of feelings and memory that fuel m every day. When is the page going to turn? Or has it already? I look back on my last few weeks and I can't believe who I am. I'm a self fabricated picture of everything I didn't want to be. I want to different! I want to start a cause and make a difference in this shitty, god-forgotten world. I treat others like they are shit and expect respect from them all? What the fuck is wrong with me, why have I changed so much? Someone, fucking save me...please...

I don't know my best friend anymore and the person I love was ripped out from under me. A person knows when you look into their eyes and see someone else, and I'm getting that look from everyone I look at. Why does the world have to be so cruel, so cold, so emotionless? And before I know it, I'm crying. Tear after tear is slipping down my face and no one will do anything. I get estranged looks from couples and from other kids I get looks of ashame and fear. Can't this "higher power" help me now, or am I too far faded? Am i slowly getting to where no one will notice me and even my best friend will say shit behind my back? Am I getting so far gone that nothing matters to me? Can't someone reach out and pull me back into reality? Please?

With help so close and within reach, I feel the beginning of hope aspire in my heart and the tiny thread of perseverance prove to be worthy as I smile at the reflection of my deranged self. The thought of being with someone is still none and I cannot see anyone but him. I tie a bandanna around my wrist so someone will ask me about it and I can smile and say "love" and walk off proudly, even though the person is left to ask what to the other whitenesses to my lunatic talk. I try to walk away quickly so no one can see the tears in my eyes, welling and powerful like the first crimson bubble that pops, so innocent and sweet, that brings the wave of relief.

And no one realizes that my secrets have been ripped open and analyzed by a person I truly cared about. Someone that held me and made me feel like I mattered. And as people look down, after learning such things, with that hateful look of sympathy makes me sick to my stomach and makes me want to vomit. On the spot. Makes me want to hit one of them or stab them or just show them they mean nothing to me, and yet they mean everything. Someone taught me that being a cold person was the way to avoid your fears. I pretend not to care and it always worked. People call me "bitch" because I didn't care when the teacher humiliated me in front of the entire class. Or the time that I got socked in the face with a volleyball. But recently, I've started to care and my armor has shut down to reveal this girl who actually gets hurt by the things said behind her back.

As I break down and cry, no one understands how human I am, how prone to offense I am and how much I want to hit a few of them in the face as I tremble with anger, disgust and fear. But fear of what? Fear of losing the people I somewhat called my friends? Or fear of people seeing through my mask into the unprotected person I am? Fear. Hah. What is fear anymore? A word to describe the sudden jolt of adrenaline we get once in an unfamiliar surrounding? Or a word to describe the feelings that are so compacted you stop feeling and only know what others feel? I know that fear to me is the way that I am looked at and the way I feel when I am around other people.

Do you know what its like? To be the definition of a lie? To know that you are lying to someone you love and yet you can't stand to change it? I am the definition of a lie as I lie to the people I want to like me and the people I like. I am changing this habit, but for what? So people know I was untruthful? Why must life be so complicated? Why not as easy as it was when all I had to do was run through sprinkler's or trade toys for friends? What has this world come to, besides me being a teenager? The emotions, the simple feeling just to be alive and able makes me wild with euphoria, but I know I am living a lie, with my mother looking down upon me in disgust. With my "family" knowing the secrets I've tried to hide, for so long, finally being washed up.